Steve Spurrier’s 10 rules for SEC Media Days’ opening statements

For the first time in years, SEC Media Days in Hoover, Ala., will be without Steve Spurrier.

The loss is quite significant. So much so that it’d be reasonable to reduce the length of the event from four days back to three (yeah, right).

Even without the Ball Coach’s presence, his legacy lives on in the event, namely in providing a path for the other SEC head coaches to shine during each coach’s opening statements.

The opening statements can vary from Les Miles telling stories of his offseason’s random family events to Butch Jones’ endless cliches and coach-speak. But, Spurrier’s 10 rules for outstanding opening remarks can help those that are less qualified at the art of Media Days.

1. Lead off with a wise crack aimed at the media

Nothing breaks the ice like taking a shot at the throng of media members sitting there, hanging on every word. The best cracks are those that aren’t so obviously a joke and leaves the media looking around at each other unsure if they should be laughing or not.

From the 2015 SEC Media Days transcript, here’s how Spurrier opened up his remarks:

“A lot of familiar faces out there after a lot of years coming to this event. I figured a bunch of you guys would have retired by now. (Laughter). Just kidding. Good to be here.”

Perfect. Another example from 2012:

“You know what, I’ve been to this thing 20 years now. But you guys have been here 30, 40 years, some of you (smiling). They don’t fire media people, we found that out.”

Cue the nervous laughter. The Head Ball Coach was a master.

2. Be self-deprecating

Spurrier excelled at being self-deprecating in his statements with the media. During his 2015 opening, he referenced the South Carolina win over Florida the previous year:

“Somehow or another, won a game down in The Swamp, very fortunate, and then beat Miami in a bowl game.”

3. Downplay expectations

Before the Gamecocks’ 11-win 2012 season, Spurrier did his best to downplay the expectations despite noting the talent level of his team:

“We feel like we’ve probably assembled the best group of players we’ve had in the seven years now that I’ve been there. But time will tell. Time will tell how this year’s team will do. Again, just briefly, last year, we were a very evenly consistent team, I guess you’d say, offense and defense. Both of them finished seventh in the conference. We were not a great team, by any means. We’re sort of middle of the pack in offense and defense. And our special teams were ranked near the bottom in about every category, bottom half, kickoff recover, kickoff return, punt return. We haven’t done a whole bunch on special teams. Hopefully we can do that.”

4. Make fun of other SEC programs

Everybody loves it when Spurrier takes jabs at other programs. It lightens the mood and forces the coaches on the receiving end of the joke to respond in kind. At last year’s Media Days, Spurrier managed to jab Arkansas and Tennessee in a single statement:

“There are people in Knoxville and Fayetteville doing cartwheels for going 7-6,” Spurrier said. “And we were doing cartwheels, too. We were very happy to be 7-6 the way our season turned out.”

Only Spurrier can pull off making fun of a team for having the same exact record as his team did.

5. Take an occasional shot at Notre Dame

Sometimes it’s not enough to jab other SEC teams, and it makes sense to take a few swings at national punching bag, Notre Dame.

In his 2013 remarks, Spurrier decided to tell the world how ridiculous it was that the Notre Dame athletic director had the same power in deciding major college football decisions as the big conference commissioners. Then, he smoothly transitioned to bashing their “independent” status:

“The committee is going to name the four teams, this, that and the other. (Bill Hancock) said they were sitting with the commissioners of our BCS conferences and the athletic director of Notre Dame. Somebody said, ‘Why was he there?’ He’s equal with all the commissioners. We just started trying to figure out why the athletic director of Notre Dame is equal to all the conference commissioners. Nobody had a good answer except that’s the way it’s always been done.

“For whatever reason, all 14 of our head coaches thought that Notre Dame should join the ACC and play football like all the rest of us. They’re in a conference. I know the Notre Damers will get mad at me and us coaches maybe for saying that. If you were a Notre Damer, you would say, ‘We’re supposed to be independent in football, always,’ this, that and the other. From all of the rest of us that are in a conference, we say, ‘Why aren’t they in a conference?’ It’s sort of hard to figure out why they have their own conference.

“They’re sort of in the ACC. I know it’s probably not going to happen, won’t happen because I said it, but maybe if you can give me a good reason why they’re not in a good conference with all the rest of the schools, that’s something we talked about right there.

“Okay, we all voted 14‑0 they ought to be in a conference (smiling). All 14 coaches, Nick Saban, Mark Richt, Les Miles, we all voted on that.”

6. Don’t take too long

We call it our “Filibuster Rankings.” Some coaches just go on too long. Miles in 2015 was ridiculous (see graphic below). Spurrier does a nice job at keeping his opening remarks pretty tight. He’s usually around the middle of the pack when it comes to length of opening statements.

https://twitter.com/SDS/status/750783751156822017

One exception came in 2013 when Spurrier opened with a lengthy discussion of his proposal to pay players some extra money. Here’s an excerpt from it:

“We believe those two sports, the income producers, those players, most of them come from lower-income families, that we should provide some expense money so their parents can go to the games, lodging, travel, meals, what have you.

“We’re only talking about $300 a game, basketball would be a little less. But where the players in the course of the year would have $3,600, $3,900, depending on how many games you play, just to have a little bit of pocket money and their parents to have money to come to the games. We all voted 14-0, that’s all of us coaches, Nick Saban, Mark Richt, Kevin Sumlin, all the basketball coaches agreed that their players deserved a little bit also. They could pro rate that out where the basketball players got $3,600, $3,900.

“This is tiny compared to the money that’s coming in now. I think we all know that. I’m going to keep fighting for our guys.”

7. Establish key catchphrases

Spurrier has all kinds of words and phrases that we’ve come to know him by over the years. Phrases such as “this, that and the other” get used nearly every time Spurrier meets with the media.

Specifically at SEC Media Days, the phrase “talking season” has become synonymous with Spurrier.

For example, Spurrier opened the 2014 sessions as follows:

“Glad to be here again. Glad to see I guess some familiar faces out there. Get ready for talking season.”

8. Make note of possible improvements made in the offseason

While Spurrier consistently downplayed expectations, he often provided details on program improvements, such as coaching moves or facilities upgrades.

Last year, Spurrier spent a nice chunk of his opening remarks on the hiring of Jon Hoke:

“Got a new coach, Jon Hoke. Jon was with me in Florida in 2001, 14 years ago. We led the SEC in total defense and in scoring defense that year. That year was really one of the best teams we had in the 12 years I was there. Only played two close games and lost both of them, lost to Auburn and Tennessee, finished third in the nation, won the Orange Bowl. And that was a disappointing year because that team could have done a little bit better. Anyway, after that year, I decided to go pro. I went to the NFL, and Jon Hoke went to the NFL. I lasted two years, and Jon Hoke lasted 13. So he’s a lot smarter, better coach than I am. Yeah, he lasted 13 years.”

Similarly, back in 2010, Spurrier praised his boss for the facilities upgrades:

“Facility-wise, Eric Hyman and his staff and our boosters and prominent people have donated generously to our facilities, right there with the top teams there. When Eric Hyman got to South Carolina, we might have been the bottom or near the bottom facility-wise in the SEC. So we’re doing a lot of good things.”

9. Praise your team and provide vague optimism for fans

Every coach knows that you’ve got to provide reasons for hope to the fan base during Media Days. Often, this comes in the form of praising your players.

In 2014, Spurrier praised his team and his fans right off the bat:

“But we do have a lot of good players, wonderful attitudes on the team. We’re looking forward to seeing what happens August 28th. We start the season Thursday night, Texas A&M, very good team comes in, Coach Sumlin and his guys.

“We got them at home, Williams-Brice. Got a pretty good win streak going there, as most of you know. I know our fans will be pumped up, screaming, yelling, ready to go. We’re trying to get ready the best we can for the opening game and proceed from there.”

In 2012:

“We’ve got a good team. We’ve had some good teams at South Carolina the last couple years. That’s probably why I’m still coaching. Our teams are getting better. We’ve recruited better guys, got an excellent group of assistant coaches, our athletic directors and boosters have built up the facilities up to the best in the conference and we’ve been able to recruit outstanding players.”

10. Nail the postgame meal

In recent years, Spurrier’s Media Days appearance concluded with a trip to the local Arby’s.

The first image was taken by then-South Carolina player Jadeveon Clowney in 2014, with the second image coming in 2015 and taken by Elliott Fry.

The 2014 image with Spurrier giving the thumbs up with shades on indoors and a loosened tie while he filled up his drink at Arby’s was widely circled on the internet. And why not? It’s everything we love about Spurrier in a single image.

Sigh, can’t we just bring Spurrier back for Media Days each year even if he’s not coaching? Perhaps turn it into the SEC’s version of the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Line up all of the SEC coaches, and let the Head Ball Coach rip everyone in the room.

That would be the ultimate talking season.

Kevin Duffey

A graduate of the University of Florida and founder of Saturday Down South, Kevin is a college football enthusiast.