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Tonight is Day 1 of The NFL Draft. And, thank God, y’all. When did draft season become as long as the NBA season? Do we really need 2 1/2 months of “interviews” to know that Cleveland still sucks and its front office should trust their instincts as much as I trust Bill Belichick to take a good driver’s license photo?
The draft is fascinating though isn’t it? There are just so many questions …
Which players will become great? Which will become busts? Which will accidentally post an inappropriate — and perhaps illegal — video on Twitter?
The 2018 NFL Draft class features roughly 238 quarterbacks that are all supposedly going in the 1st round. And, it also features a new metric of evaluation — fingertip speed. Which, just like an unbiased tweet from Danny Kannell or a UCF National Championship is not a real thing. Personally, I can’t wait til next year when offensive linemen are judged by their knuckle endurance and linebackers have to test their Belly Button velocity.
So, in order to help you enjoy 3 days of sleepers, busts, and Mel Kiper holding his bladder to the point of permanent damage, I’ve created the NFL Draft Drinking Game. So, cheers to all you “high-motor” drinkers out there who might “lack the intangibles” but have elite livers that are “tough as nails.”
NFL Draft Drinking Game Rules …
Cliches, Crowds, and Buzzwords
- Drink every time someone says the word “Mock” or “Big Board.”
- Drink every time Roger Goodell is mercilessly booed by Dallas fans.
- Finish your drink if they catch Jerry Jones booing too.
- Pour one out every time you see a sad Dallas fan rocking a Tony Romo jersey. Sad!
- Drink whenever someone says “high ceiling” or “huge upside.”
- Send a “See a Chug, Send a Chug” on SnapChat to someone whenever Todd McShay says the phrase “he really shows up on tape.”
- Guzzle anytime the word “burst,” “explosive,” or “matchup nightmare” is said.
- Finish your drink and smash your can against your head any time Mike Mayock says: “Grinder,” “Road Grader,” or “Glass Eater.”
- Do a keg stand anytime Kiper or Mayock say, “Plays well in space.”
- Chug a Red Bull Vodka anytime someone says “Violent at the point of attack.”
- Chug a Stella every time the phrase “deceptively athletic” is used to describe a white guy at a skill position.
Quarterbacks
- Take a shot of warm tequila and drunk dial an ex as soon as Cleveland is on the clock because they shouldn’t be the only ones having a night of bad decisions and regret.
- Drink anytime someone says “It’s a Quarterback driven league.”
- Immediately open a second beer and double fist any time the size of Josh Allen’s hands are brought up.
- Finish your drink anytime someone says Josh Allen or Sam Darnold “Passes the eye test.”
- Drink with your pinky up whenever Josh Rosen is called “cerebral.”
- Chug someone else’s drink whenever Baker Mayfield is described as “Passionate” or a “fierce competitor” instead of an “(expletive).”
- Drink every time Lamar Jackson (below) is compared to Michael Vick.
- Drink every time Baker Mayfield is compared to Johnny Manziel.
- Finish your drink, grab the remote, and turn on a rerun of The Office if anyone on ESPN brings up Colin Kaepernick.
SEC Players
- Chug your beer as fast as you can anytime the phrase “SEC speed” is used.
- Drink every time an LSU player that was under utilized his entire career is drafted.
- Take a sip of communion wine and say 10 Hail Mary’s every time you feel thankful that your defense doesn’t have to face Nick Chubb and Sony Michel next year.
- Drink every time Minkah Kirkpatrick is called a “quarterback of the defense.”
- Give your beer and $20 away to any (non-Florida fan) who actually remembers a single highlight from Taven Bryan (below) while at Florida.
- Pop some champagne and some testosterone pills when Tony Brown inevitably comes on stage and tells Roger Goodell that he is in fact the No. 1 pick.
- Finish your drink and venmo $20 to Arden Key to help him make up the millions he cost himself this past season.
- Chug your drink whenever Auburn K Daniel Carlson inevitably gets drafted before an SEC QB.
- Drink and do a quick set of 12 oz. curls anytime Bo Scarborough’s biceps almost burst through his Armani suit.
Big Board/Best Available to Booze
- Stop drinking and switch to water if you are able to pronounce any of these names correctly: Equanimeous St Brown, Uchenna Nwosu, or Hercules Mata’afa.
- Switch to Mich Ultra and do 10 pushups every time Saquon Barkley is shown on screen.
- Drink every time you see an ESPN personality wearing a tie knot that is wider than the gap in Michael Strahan’s teeth.
- Chug your drink and throw up in your mouth after Derwin James gets drafted before an SEC player and Danny Kannell becomes insufferable and trolls strangers on the internet.
- Give a champagne toast the moment Shaquem Griffin is drafted despite being born with only one hand. (Then immediately remind him that UCF is still not a real national champion.)
- Drink, and avoid eye contact, any time a player in the Green Room tonight isn’t actually drafted in the 1st round. Awkward …
- Chug your beer, and help build a resume/LinkedIn profile, for every underclassmen who goes undrafted.
- Drink every time Goodell messes up a dap/handshake/hug when someone is announced.
- Finish your drink and seek immediate medical treatment if a player brings an 8×10 of a deceased grandmother on stage after he’s announced.
- Put on some Adele and drink by yourself in the dark every time you realize your favorite players are gone from your favorite school …
Chris Marler is a writer and comedian from Atlanta, GA. He's also a lifelong Alabama fan which is just one of his many flaws.
