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Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Auburn vs. LSU game:
“Welcome to the first marquee match up of the SEC season: LSU v.s Auburn. A game featuring two coaches who you don’t know if they’re actually good or not, two quarterbacks who you don’t know if they’re actually good or not, and two fan bases drunk enough to think they know the answers to both.
“Jordan-Hare is rocking and ready to get this game underway. Let’s get to it:”
1st quarter
15:00
‘Auburn starts with the football and it’s time for Jarrett Stidham to show the world he’s ready to take this team to the next level. Can he return the Tigers’ offense to the glory days of Cam Newton? Let’s see what he can — oh, my God, it’s intercepted.”
9:59
“LSU takes over and Joe Burrow completes some clutch third-down passes and leads the team right down the field and into the end zone. Turns out LSU’s offense can be somewhat effective if you give them a quarterback who looks like he’s played the position before.
“Auburn fans haven’t been quieted like that since the Gene Chizik hire.
“LSU 7-0.”
5:47
“OK, time for Jarrett Stidham to shake it off and show everyone what a Gus Malzahn offense is truly capable of. Annnnd 3-and-out. Forget Cam Newton, Auburn would settle for returning to the glory days of Nick Marshall. No interception though, great adjustments by the Auburn coaching staff.”
3:13
“Stidham comes back and hits some big passes to set up a crucial 4th-and-1 from just inside the red zone. They decide to go for it, no doubt Gus has a great play up his sleeve to pick this up …
“Interesting, they call for a handoff up the middle that develops as slowly as a Tennessee quarterback and loses about 4 yards.”
0:29
“LSU learns from Auburn’s mistake and on 4th-and-1 trots out the field goal team. The kicker hasn’t missed yet this year … until now.
“Shaky quarterback play, missed field goals, questionable play calls. Yep, this is the Tiger Bowl.”
2nd quarter
13:43
“Auburn loses 7 yards on a double reverse, but the good news is they follow it up with a 7-yard sack and another punt. You can mock now, but as any true Auburn fan knows, you can’t end up in a championship game in December without your offense looking incompetent for a few games in September.
“Meanwhile, LSU has somehow turned into a Mike Leach air raid, precision offense and knocks in a short field goal. And just like Mike Leach, Ed Orgeron might kill you with a sword.
“LSU 10-0.”
5:06
“Stidham gets the ball back and the Tigers’ offense finally finds its groove. The drive ends with a short touchdown run and the Auburn crowd comes back to life.
“LSU 10-7.”
1:31
“LSU now faces a little bit of pressure on them, but they’re finally ready to break out their secret weapon: Joe Burrow’s speed and agility. Nope? It’s a sack? Ok, 3-and-out.
“Jarrett Stidham says, ‘I’ll show you what an elusive quarterback looks like’ and throws a wild pass on the run across his body that is miraculously caught despite Stidham’s best intentions. They keep the drive alive and score a touchdown to take the lead just before half.
“Coach O bends over and lets out a deep sigh. It’s unclear if it was because of the last play or if someone just told him that Joe Dirt is no longer streaming on Netflix.
“Auburn 14-10.”
3rd quarter
15:00
“LSU opens the half with the ball and is quickly forced to punt … but no one tells Coach O what to do. The Tigers run a fake punt that looks like it was designed by a 12-year-old who only knows football from watching Madden Twitch streams. It doesn’t work. Just like Auburn, LSU has finally found their offensive sweet spot.”
This was…ambitious. pic.twitter.com/piG6yDF7pI
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) September 15, 2018
“Auburn then drives 55 yards for a touchdown, capped by a big 3rd-and-goal pass from Stidham. Auburn take a two-score lead and across the state of Louisiana, everyone’s corn dogs are starting to deflate.
“Auburn 21-10.”
12:44
“LSU gets the ball back and the pressure is mounting to put a drive together and put an end to all this Auburn momentum. Perfect time for another 3-and-out.”
8:44
“LSU gets the ball back, but this time they put together a methodical and maddening drive to put them on the cusp of the end zone. On 3rd-and-goal, LSU runs the famous “swinging gate” play, in that the play ended with Burrow being pushed so far out of bounds that his body was literally swung over a gate. LSU kicks a field goal.
“Auburn 21-13.”
2:12
“Auburn gets the ball and says, ‘You know what, despite the fact that we’ve decidedly outplayed LSU, let’s make sure we keep them in the game and guarantee our fans can never get comfortable.’ Stidham throws an interception.”
4th quarter
12:57
“Auburn’s defense holds and they take over with a chance to all but put the game away and go up two scores. But the long drive ends with a missed field goal. They should be OK though, unless they somehow end up losing by less than three points, in which case this should really come back to haunt them.”
8:18
“It’s LSU ball and the length of the field to go. It’s hard to imagine how LSU is gonna be able to scratch out a touchdown with how solid and consistent this Auburn defense has been playing … Oh, OK, that will work. A 74-yard touchdown. And Auburn fans are suddenly realizing that maybe the magic of Jordan-Hare isn’t enough to stop the Coach O voodoo.
“Across the state of Louisiana, everyone’s corn dogs are rock hard.
“Auburn 21-19.”
5:38
“Auburn gets the ball back with their most crucial possession of the game, and goes 3-and-out. Still plenty of time though, they’ll get another chance for sure.”
2:00
“It’s 4th-and-7 at midfield, and it looks like Coach O is thinking ‘What would Joe Dirt do?’ They decide to go for it and Burrow somehow completes a pass over the middle to keep the drive alive. The Tigers are getting close to field goal range.”
1:21
“LSU is at the 40, still too far away to attempt a field goal, and it’s 2nd-and-long. But then Auburn’s defense suddenly remembers its motto: Always make things as miserable for your fans as possible.
“A pass interference penalty sets LSU up perfectly with under a minute to go.”
0:03
“LSU is lining up for the game winning field goal as time expires. Auburn doesn’t have any timeouts left but it doesn’t matter, everyone knows trying to ice LSU only gives them more time to try to understand what Coach O just told them.
“The kick is … good!
“FINAL: LSU 22-21!
“LSU stuns Auburn and guarantees that Orgeron is gonna be around for a while.
“Gus Malzahn looks completely dejected, until he looks up and sees the Arkansas score and realizes that Plan B is shaping up perfectly.”
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
