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Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Missouri vs. Tennessee game:
Welcome to Neyland Stadium for the SEC Game of the Week: Tennessee vs Missouri. Why is this the Game of the Week? Don’t ask!
Tennessee just needs one more victory to become bowl eligible, and Missouri just needs two more victories to be able to spend all offseason claiming that the ref screwed them out of a 10-win season. Let’s get started:
15:00
The Tigers get the ball first and Drew Lock gets the chance to show why he’s the best quarterback no one cares about. He leads Mizzou on a long drive that ends in a field goal.
Missouri 3-0.
12:44
Tennessee quarterback Jarrett Guarantano takes a vicious hit. Everyone seems to know that it should be enough to put him out with a concussion, except the Tennessee coaches who send him back out on the very next drive despite the fact that he was almost in tears on the bench. Not many players have ever risked so much for so little.
9:13
The CBS crew is comparing Drew Lock to Matthew Stafford, which means Lock is in for a long, dwindling NFL career in which we’re never actually sure if he’s good or the next Blaine Gabbert.
Meanwhile, Tennessee’s defense gets a big stop, punctuated by a huge hit that keeps Missouri short of the first down sticks, which should go a long way in stopping Jarrett Guarantano from crying.
6:12
Drew Lock is motivated by the Stafford comparison and leads a quick drive all the way down the field, but just like Stafford’s playoff hopes, it comes up just short. Missouri kicks another field goal.
Missouri 6-0.
3:12
A Missouri linebacker gets called for targeting on a punt return. Very smart move by Tennessee to have one of its players sacrifice his head to give the team a little momentum.
2nd quarter
14:55
Keller Chryst enters the game for Tennessee and keeps the momentum going by bringing some of that famous Chryst charisma to the Vols. He leads the Vols down the field for their first touchdown of the game.
Tennessee might have accidentally lucked into the secret to beating Missouri … playing a backup quarterback.
Tennessee 7-6.
9:44
But Drew Lock is not about to let that happen again. He leads a touchdown drive for Missouri in just five plays and the Tigers reclaim the lead before the Tennessee band even finishes playing Rocky Top from the previous score.
Missouri 13-7.
5:22
The backup magic continues for Chryst though and he hits Marquez Callaway for a 50-yard bomb on the first play of the next drive. The Vols eventually connect on a field goal and cut the lead to three.
Chryst has now led back-to-back scoring drives, which apparently was against team rules when he played for Stanford.
Missouri 13-10.
0:55
After another long, melodious touchdown drive by Drew Lock, it’s up to Chryst to get Tennessee a score and keep it close heading into halftime. On the edge of the goal-line, Chryst attempts a back shoulder fade pass that Drew Lock makes look so easy, but instead it’s more of a mid-shoulder interception into the chest of a Missouri corner.
That sets up another Mizzou touchdown three plays later and all of the sudden, Brad and Gary’s Tennessee turnaround narrative is taking quite the hit.
Missouri 26-10.
3rd quarter
13:55
Tennessee starts the second half hot, with another long pass to Callaway that sets up a touchdown. Solid job by Chryst not throwing a pass into the chest of a Missouri defensive back on that drive.
Missouri 26-17.
12:22
Every time an announcer mentions the Kentucky game or any officiating event related to it, you can almost feel the heat heat coming from behind Missouri fan keyboards.
Drew Lock meanwhile, has no problem orchestrating another long distance touchdown drive. He makes it look so easy, Tennessee should hire whoever their quarterback coach/offensive coordinator is. That guy must be a genius.
Missouri 33-17.
8:03
On a 3rd-and-12, Tennessee plays it safe by calling a run, but as we all should know by now, nothing the Vols ever do is safe. The ball comes loose and Mizzou scoops it and scores.
Say what you want about Chryst’s quarterback abilities, but he has put together some great film in this game of chasing down Missouri defenders on their way to the end zone. He couldn’t quite get a tackle on that last play, but NFL scouts have to respect the effort. I think the Buffalo Bills have found their man.
Missouri 40-17.
3:44
We’ve reached the point in the game where SEC refs begin handing out targeting calls like Christmas party invites. That being said, the SEC ref Christmas party this year should be pretty lit. For those wondering, they already went in on a present together for Alabama that will be awarded to them during the Championship game in Atlanta.
4th quarter
14:12
A Missouri player has his pants briefly ripped off by Tennessee, a move that the Tennessee defense learned from when Tua did it to them.
In the actual game, Drew Lock is leading another long drive that thankfully is eating up a lot of minutes. There’s only so much time that Brad and Gary can fill without committing major FCC violations.
Missouri 43-17.
9:43
We’re 12 weeks into the college football year and still nobody has any idea if that God Sent Me a Friend Request show is actually real or just something Gary Danielson mutters as he drifts off to sleep during the games.
4:30
After another Chryst interception, Missouri leads another touchdown drive to put the final touches on this embarrassing loss they’re handing to Tennessee. But the jokes on them; Tennessee has been in a continuous state of embarrassment for years now.
Final from Rocky Top: Missouri 50-17.
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
