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Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Georgia vs. Tennessee game:
“Sanford Stadium is loud and rocking as Herschel Walker leads Georgia fans in cheers at midfield during pregame. Not only does it look like Herschel could still play, but Tennessee would also take him as their head coach and president, and athletic director.
“Brad Nessler and Gary are trying hard to convince us that Tennessee has a shot in this one, but it feels like an easy-to-figure-out horror flick where you know someone is gonna get killed, but you just want to keep watching and find out how. Let’s get this game under way.”
1st quarter
15:00
“The Vols get the ball first and find a ton of running room on the first play. Maybe this won’t be as impossible of a task for Tennessee as we all first thought. Or maybe so, three consecutive negative plays and Tennessee has to punt.
“If Tennessee is gonna win this game, they’ll need all of the bounces to go their way. And just to prove that won’t happen, Georgia recovers its own fumble and runs it 31 yards for a touchdown.
“Say what you will, but Tennessee’s ability to constantly find a way to make the unluckiest plays possible is certainly second to none.
“Georgia 7-0.”
7:12
“Tennessee is trying to prove that either they don’t understand the rules of football or they’re taking a stand against them by committing illegal formation penalties on three consecutive punts.
“This Tennessee team is like a novelty Batman villain whose power is making everyone around them stupider. You know they’ll lose to Batman in the end, but you have to appreciate how goofy and ridiculous they are.”
1:14
“Both teams seem about as excited to play this game as everyone else is to watch it — which is very little. Georgia, meanwhile, on another 3rd-and-long, tries to call the sack/fumble/touchdown play again. This time it’s not executed quite as well and Rodrigo Blankenship is sent in to kick a field goal.
“Make it Georgia 10-0.”
2nd quarter
“CBS interviews Peyton Manning on the sideline as he is dressed and very much acting like a disappointed football dad. His praise for Jeremy Pruitt sounds about as genuine as his praise for Tom Brady and Belichick.
“Somehow Georgia is only up 10-0 even though both teams are playing like they just want this game to end. Jake Fromm is missing open receivers on long passes, Tennessee is running it on 3rd-and-long, we’re just waiting for anything interesting to happen.
“Oh look there’s Ric Flair. That’s interesting I guess.”
6:11
“Uh-oh it’s Justin Fields time. Based upon what happened in Clemson last week, let’s keep an eye on Fromm to make sure he doesn’t end up on the opposite sideline by the time this drive is over.
“This installment of the Justin Fields era lasts for about four plays as Fromm comes in to finish off the drive and lead the Dawgs in for another touchdown. Peyton Manning and Ric Flair are warming up for Tennessee.
“Georgia 17-0.”
3rd quarter
15:00
“No question the one person who has had the easiest job so far today is whoever is in charge of typing up Tennessee’s drive chart. As long as they know how to spell ‘punt,’ then they’re good.
“Georgia gets the ball first and if Tennessee wants any chance of coming back in this game, they’re gonna need a stop here. Which of course means Georgia leads a slow, methodical drive down the field that results in a Justin Fields touchdown run.
“Georgia 24-0.”
9:31
“Just when you thought you could stop paying attention, Tennessee connects on a bomb and scores their first touchdown against UGA since Georgia became a colony in the mid 18th century.
“Maybe Tennessee’s strategy of lulling Georgia to sleep by spotting them a 24-point lead and being generally unwatchable for the better part of the past decade is working.
“The Vols go for 2 but come up empty. Gary Danielson explained why: ‘8 times 3 is 24.’ Everything times 0 is 0.
“It’s Georgia, 24-6.
“The Bulldogs seem to be going all in with the ‘Get this game over with’ offense. Their country thanks them.”
4th quarter
15:00
“Tennessee gets the ball back for only the second time this half and it’s already the 4th quarter. But it’s still anyone’s ball game, in a mathematical sense.
“But unlike everybody else, the Tennessee offense hasn’t quite given up yet. They take a bubble screen to the house and all the Georgia fans who fell asleep on the couch in the second quarter with a Natural Light resting on their stomach are waking up to something scary. But they still can’t convert a 2-point try.
“Georgia 24-12.”
13:11
“The Bulldogs’ offense for their part does not seem too concerned. They continue to run the ball and waste time like they’re a Les Miles team in crunch time.
“The drive takes up most of the 4th quarter and ends in a touchdown for D’Andre Swift. The exhale from Georgia fans can be heard throughout the South.
“Georgia 31-12.”
2:41
“You knew Tennessee wasn’t gonna get out of here without at least one more embarrassing moment. So they fumble it on the first play of the next drive and Georgia puts one more touchdown on the board.
“Georgia 38-12.”
0:00
“Mercifully this game comes to an end and Georgia’s slow death march to a title game rematch with Alabama continues.”
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
