Ad Disclosure
Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of Rivalry Week:
Rivalry Week in the South is like nothing else. It’s where legendary players are born, and internet memes are created that will haunt opposing fans online for decades. This year, the SEC has the opportunity to squash their ACC opponents and send a message that this conference is on a different level, unless you’re playing South Carolina.
Here’s the best of the best of Rivalry Week, from noon kickoffs to the witching hour when LSU vs A&M finally ended.
First Half
Georgia vs. Georgia Tech
The Bulldogs and Yellow Jackets kick off first and Georgia runs right through Tech’s defense like the 4th quarter of a Big 12 game and scores six points. The only clean, old fashion hate in this game will be between Georgia Tech fans and Paul Johnson.
Florida vs. Florida State
The Gators have an early chance to score a touchdown against the Noles, which is probably about double the amount of points you need to beat this FSU team. But Dan Mullen elects to go for it on 4th-and-goal and Feleipe Franks gets stopped short of the goal line.
You have to cut Franks a little slack in this game, because on the one hand he hates FSU and playing in front their fans, but on the other hand he hates Gator fans even more. Has to be very conflicting.
Georgia vs. Georgia Tech
The Jackets return a kick for a touchdown, but it seems to only make Georgia angrier. Jake Fromm throws touchdown after touchdown and next thing you know it’s 35-7. There’s a reason bees are an endangered species.
Florida vs. Florida State
Florida opens up a 13-0 lead on the Noles, but just when things are looking real good for the Gators, FSU hauls in a juggling touchdown catch to cut the lead to 6. And all the momentum is back on FSU’s side. Can Mullen manufacture enough offense to keep this game out of reach, or will Willie Taggart stake his claim as the new king of the state of Florida … haha sorry couldn’t say that with a straight face.
Georgia vs. Georgia Tech
The Dawgs go into the locker room up 38-7 and Jake Fromm has played almost perfectly. They’re gonna need to save some of that offensive masterwork for next week against Alabama.
It will be interesting to see if Kirby keeps the pedal to the metal and runs up the score on Georgia Tech, or realize that keeping it just close enough that Paul Johnson isn’t fired is the best choice available.
Second Half
Florida vs. Florida State
The Gators come out the for the second half firing on all cylinders, or more accurately, they just stand there as FSU falls apart. It’s an effective strategy.
But as the noon games wear on, there’s one thing that can give FSU and Georgia Tech fans comfort: at least they’re not Michigan.
As the Seminoles fans file out of Doak Campbell, the Gators start celebrating the end of 5 consecutive losses to FSU and maybe even the end of the TV crews showing that graphic of all the starting quarterback since Tim Tebow to demonstrate how bad they’ve been. Thanks Coach Mullen.
Final: Florida 41-14.
Alabama vs. Auburn, pregame
In case you needed any reminding what the premier matchup of Rivalry Week is, Alabama sends two Marine One helicopters to hover above the field a few hours before the game starts. They say it’s to aerate the field, but really it’s just the Crimson Tide players flying their own choppers that are available to everyone in the new football facility.
Georgia vs. Georgia Tech
Mercifully, this game finally ends. Tech scores a late touchdown against Georgia’s third stringers which will keep Kirby up for the next three nights.
Final: Georgia 45-21.
First Half
Alabama vs. Auburn
Auburn starts the game with a long touchdown run right through Bama’s defense, but it’s called back on a holding penalty. No doubt the ref that threw that flag will be flying home in an Alabama branded helicopter.
Next drive, Alabama scores a touchdown off a Tua scramble. It’s bad news for Auburn fans as well as all those who were banking on Tua’s knee injury being their chance to win a championship.
Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt
The Vols and Commodores kickoff in Nashville. Winner goes bowling, loser stays home and gets relentlessly mocked online by the rest of the conference.
Vandy scores first and puts the pressure on Tennessee early. Playing from behind is not necessarily Tennessee’s strength, but to be fair, it’s only one of their many weaknesses.
Alabama vs. Auburn
The Tide race to a 17-7 lead, but as has been the law of the Iron Bowl the past few years, Auburn is only allowed to score on trick plays or once-in-a-lifetime happenings that seem to occur multiple times every game. The Tigers scored on an end-around from a Wildcat formation earlier, and they score again on a double pass to cut the lead to 3.
Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt
Meanwhile in Nashville, Vandy goes into the locker room with a 17-0 lead. Bowl eligibility is slipping from the grasp of the Vols, and if you listen closely you can hear a faint cry of “We’re a basketball school now” coming from Knoxville.
Second Half
Alabama vs. Auburn
The Tide are only up 3 at the start of the second half and the college football world is watching with bated breath hoping this is the game that Bama goes down. But instead, Bama is ready to give Auburn The Citadel treatment.
Jerry Jeudy hauls in a long touchdown pass four plays into the half, and after a 3-and-out, Bama goes right down the field and scores again. Suddenly the Tide are up by 17 and it’s almost Jalen Hurts time.
Tennessee vs. Vanderbilt
The Commodores finally conclude their demolition of Tennessee and gets to go to a bowl. Not a good one, of course. But way better than the one the Vols will be going to.
Final: Vanderbilt 38-13.
.@VandyFootball is going bowling and @CoachDerekMason is loving it! pic.twitter.com/cB7Rk1PYSB
— SEC Network (@SECNetwork) November 25, 2018
Alabama vs. Auburn
Jalen Hurts comes in for one play and connects with Jaylen Waddle on a 53-yard touchdown, just to show that even if you get past Tua, there’s no real weakness on this team.
Alabama plays the fourth quarter on autopilot and moonwalks into a Championship game rematch with Georgia, which depending on how you look at is either a long-awaited battle of the Titans, or a completely pointless exercise that Bama would be better off conceding. Happy SEC Championship week!
First Half
South Carolina vs. Clemson
The annual Palmetto Bowl is a daunting task for the Gamecocks. They have to beat the No. 2 team in the country, in their stadium, at night, all while having Will Muschamp as their head coach.
LSU vs. Texas A&M
At the same time, in Texas, A&M is kicking off against LSU in a completely natural, and totally not forced Rivalry Week matchup. LSU is on the fringe of Playoff contention and the Aggies are on the fringe of just giving up. It should be a fun game.
South Carolina vs. Clemson
The Gamecocks start out hot and engineer a touchdown drive right off the bat. Dabo looks a little stunned and punishes USC by putting Christian Wilkins in the backfield on back-to-back goal-line plays.
The Carolina offense won’t relent though, and Jake Bentley and crew put up 21 points in the first half on one of the best defenses in the country. That would be great news except for the fact that Carolina’s defense gave up 28 points and the floodgates holding back a Clemson blowout seem inches from breaking open.
LSU vs. Texas A&M
Back in College Station, LSU and the Aggies are duking it out in what is sure to be one of those classic, slow burn, defensive slugfest games that the SEC is known for. The Aggies seem to have LSU’s number in the first half though, and they take a 7-point lead into halftime. Can Coach O make the adjustments necessary to pull off a victory, or just continue to do what he does best: just stand and yell to no one and into the dark, unforgiving night?
Second Half
South Carolina vs. Clemson
Carolina did all it could, but the game finally breaks open at the start of the second half. The Tigers overwhelm the Gamecocks with their elite skill and their ability to play downhill, literally of course.
Kentucky vs. Louisville
Up in the state of Kentucky, the Wildcats and Louisville are squaring off in what is sure to be the most unwatchable game of the night. Watching Louisville play football is like watching the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, but the only people they are fighting against is themselves.
Kentucky takes a stranglehold on this game early, and Louisville seems more than ready to peace out until next year.
Final: Kentucky 56-10
LSU vs. Texas A&M
LSU makes a furious second-half rally behind their workhorse running back Joe Burrow and take the lead with just 6 minutes to play. A&M has one final drive to tie this game, they better score here or else Kellen Mond will have to spend the next month until their bowl game with Jimbo Fisher six inches away from his face yelling things that only Jimbo and Jameis Winston can understand.
But Mond’s pass is intercepted and that will be it. Coach O takes the Gatorade bath and the small LSU contingent in Texas goes wild. What a solid, impressive, hard fought performance that was for the Tiger defense, no one can take that away …
https://twitter.com/ftbeard_17/status/1066566073355399169
South Carolina vs. Clemson
The second half in Clemson continues to be a bore, but have you ever noticed that Dabo and Muschamp look like they could be brothers? Dabo is the son that the parents love and brag about all the time, and Muschamp is the other son who’s doing “fine.”
Clemson rolls though, and the only thing standing in their way is a conference championship game next week in Charlotte against … Pitt? Seriously? A team that today got blown out by a Miami squad that was almost too dysfunctional to even run out of the tunnel? Sounds like another classic ACC Championship.
Final: Clemson 56-35
LSU vs Texas A&M
Wait why are these teams still playing? That’s OK, there’s only one second left … oh no … OH NO!
LSU gives up a deep touchdown pass on the final play to send it to overtime, and this has all the makings of a classic. Ed Orgeron is soaking wet and sticky from having a bucket of Gatorade dumped on him, and Jimbo is walking around the field with a wedgie the size of Texas. It’s everything that makes college football great.
Overtime (x 7)
The overtimes pile up and next thing you know we’re on overtime No. 4 and counting. A&M, Mond, and their incredible receiving corps convert clutch play after clutch play and put all the pressure on LSU. Coach O meanwhile, has gone from celebrating a triumphant win to looking like he wants to walk straight into a dense, swampy lake and never return.
Finally, in the 7th overtime, the Aggies convert a 2-point try and win the game. It’s an excruciating loss for LSU, but at least the nation was able to come together for 7 whole overtimes and enjoy the misery together. You couldn’t ask for a better way to end the season.
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
