Winning & Boozing in the SEC: Week 1, let the party begin

Happy opening weekend y’all! Christmas is finally here! Before you read/skim through this piece and look for what I said about your team, here is a disclaimer …

So, this year at SDS I’ll be doing a weekly article called Winning & Boozing in the SEC. In it I will provide a brief preview of each game, a score prediction, and, most important, what booze you will need at each tailgate for every SEC game that weekend. It is meant to be sarcastic and a little snarky while still giving you some legitimate betting info to help you heading into the weekend.

That being said, there will be a lot of trash talking in each article about every team, so try not to get upset because I know sometimes we as fans can get a little defensive about our teams. And, judging from the comments in some of my other articles, some of you are more sensitive than a geriatric’s teeth while eating ice cream.

So, let’s have some fun! Cheers!

Florida A&M vs. Arkansas, 8 p.m., Thursday

Arkansas kicks off its season against one of the best marching bands in the country. That’s the best I can do to get excited for this game. Sorry. Anyways, Arkansas will look to have a little more stability this year than it did in 2016. One week it’s beating No. 11 Florida, and another week it’s losing to a 3-win Mizzou team. They were more unstable and unpredictable than a pregnant woman with bi-polar disorder. (It’s a joke!)

Score: Arkansas 52, FAMU 10

Booze: Big Gulp of Mountain Dew Code Red & Vodka. Why? Because all of that sounds absolutely disgusting, but I would almost guarantee you that Bret Bielema has drank that at least once. First, there’s no way he didn’t get a Big Gulp this summer if for no other reason than the fact they cost 69 cents. Guaranteed he went into a 7/11 at some point and made a suicide of every soda option they had and then giggled until he farted after taking a selfie in front of the 69-cent wallpaper promo. Bielema is a man-child, and that’s why I love him so much. He’s my hero. For God’s sakes he met his wife while hitting on her at a Black Jack table in Vegas.

Anyways, get yourself a big ol 44-ounce plastic cup of diabetes for the game. Just figure out a way to sneak it in because you don’t want to be refilling and miss the only entertaining part of this game — the FAMU Marching Band Halftime Show. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, HBCU’s are to marching bands as to what SEC teams are to football. The best.

Missouri St. at Missouri, noon, Saturday

Mizzou has won 11 consecutive home openers by a margin of 33 ppg. However, don’t expect the Tigers to run up the score on MoSt considering that  Mizzou head coach Barry Odom is still good friends with the coach on the other sideline (and former defensive coordinator), Dave Steckel. The Tigers should put up big numbers behind QB Drew Lock, as they put up over 500 ypg a season ago.

Score: Mizzou 56, Mo. State 13

Booze: Sloe Gin Fizz. Why? Because, just like Steckel couldn’t sloe down Auburn in that 2013 SEC title game where they gave up over 500 yards rushing , there is no way he will be able to sloe down QB Drew Lock and company in OC Josh Heupel’s offense this Saturday. And, if that reference sounds dated, just know that multiple people brought it up this week on Mizzou message boards.

N.C. State (-6) vs. South Carolina (in Charlotte, N.C.), 3:30 p.m., Saturday

This should be one of the best games of the weekend, but it has flown under the radar more than a drone strike during the Obama administration. Six points seems like a lot for a middle of the road team from the ACC. However, I like the Wolfpack to cover because Carolina is still somewhat young and inexperienced and the Pack has one of the most veteran teams in the country. They return 18 starters, including 8 on D.

Score: N.C. State 31, S. Carolina 23

Booze: An overpriced Bottle of Malbec. Why? It’s a deep garnet color, just like the Gamecocks uniforms. However, this is truly perfect because most of us outside of Napa, Raleigh, and Columbia have little to no knowledge about this wine or these teams. Don’t get mad. It’s true. My family lives in Columbia. My sister even goes to USC. I still don’t know how good they’re supposed to be. Heck, I’ve bartended for years but still have no clue what a tannin is. I don’t drink a lot of wine because the descriptions are creepy. My booze label shouldn’t include something that says “notes of blackberry, chocolate and leather.” Leather?! Gross.

And these teams?! Here’s a Cliff’s Notes of what I do know after a crash course in research: Cole Cubelic picked NCSU to go to the Playoffs, and they have one of the best D-Lines in the country. Carolina has Skai Moore at LB and a really good QB who might be 12 years old. Also, Will Muschamp is still the coach until he gives himself an aneurysm from yelling. Oh, and this leathery bottle of Malbec I bought from the gas station has stained my teeth worse than a British character from a Dickens novel in the 1800s. But, apparently, these are all good things?

Michigan (-5.5) vs. What’s-Left-Of-Florida (in Arlington), 3:30 p.m., Saturday

Classic matchup between two perennial powers with some of the best subplots opening weekend has to offer. Not only does it feature two ranked teams, but it features one of the best law schools in the country (Michigan) and a team who desperately needs some of the best lawyers in the country after this offseason (Florida).

This line scares me because it only went up a half point following Florida announced 7 players would be suspended. That was before the number grew to 10 and also included star running back Jordan Scarlett. Also, Michigan scares me because Jim Harbaugh hates the SEC and I’m sure would love nothing more than to start his season with a win over one of the better teams from the conference.

That being said, I hope Florida takes care of business because I’m so tired of hearing about Michigan. Michigan football is a lot like Zima. Or the Corvette. They might be trendy, but none has been cool since the 90s. (Also, Zima was never cool, to be fair).

Alas, they probably won’t.

Score: Michigan 27, Florida 21

Booze: White Russian. Why? For a few reasons. Like the fact that the only 50-year-old adult I know of who drinks milk is Jim Harbaugh. Also, the only thing more suspicious than those rumors of Trump’s collusion with Russia is the fact that Antonio Callaway is still on Florida’s football team after this offseason. But mainly it’s because I literally do not understand the popularity of ANY of the following: the drink, Jim Harbaugh, or anyone picking Florida to win the East this year.

Sure the East is weaker than an Aaron Hernandez alibi, but are they really good enough to win it again? The amount of defensive talent they’ve lost over the past two years has to catch up with them at some point.

Kentucky (-10.5) at Southern Miss, 4 p.m., Saturday

Southern Miss put up 35 on Kentucky a year ago in Lexington. However, I don’t expect much of the same this year. Mark Stoops knows he needs gimmes like this to make sure his team gets to another bowl game in 2017. Kentucky will score early and often, and cover.

Score: Kentucky 41, Southern Miss 20

Booze: Mint Julep. Similar to N.C. State and SC, this is another matchup and drink choice that seemingly make sense even though I don’t know much about any of the three. The only thing I know about Southern Miss is that Brett Favre played there. The only thing I know about Kentucky football is that Matt Elam is entering his fourth year of eligibility before he stars as Billy Bob in a remake of Varsity Blues.

And, I don’t know anything about Mint Juleps, except that they are a staple in Southern states like Kentucky and Mississippi almost as much as bowties, sweet tea and childhood obesity. So, drink up Kentucky fans. You’re about to be 1-0, and it’s only 2 more months until basketball season!

Charleston Southern at Miss. State, 4 p.m., Saturday

There’s no line on this game, so all you need to know is that QB Nick Fitzgerald will look to start building that Heisman resume early. I’d say he goes for over 400 yards of total offense … then sits the second half.

Score: Miss. St. 59, Charleston Southern 6

Booze: Yuengling. Why? They each apparently have something of notoriety hardly anyone knew about until recently. For Hail State, it’s Fitzgerald. He almost led the conference in rushing last year after going for 1,375 yards … and he was a quarterback.

And then there’s “America’s Oldest Brewery” — Yuengling. This brewery has apparently been around since 1889, but somehow was absent from liquor store shelves in the South until recent memory. Yuengling is basically the gluten allergy of beer. People swear it’s been around forever, but nobody has heard of it until like 5 years ago.

App. State at UGA (-13.5), 6:15 p.m., Saturday

This is one of the more intriguing matchups of the day. UGA will look to come out of the gates fast and show the hype is real under their second-year coach Kirby Smart. However, App. State isn’t exactly a pushover. It took Tennessee to the wire last year in Knoxville in a game it probably should’ve won. They’ve also gone 27-5 in their past 32 games and will be favored in every game the rest of the year after their trip to Athens.

However, I look for Smart’s defense to be suffocating, leading to a big win and a fun day between the hedges. Nick Chubb, Sony Michel and Isaac Nauta will pace the offense. And, hopefully the WR’s can begin to emerge along with Jacob Eason.

Score: UGA 38, App. St. 14

Booze: Tropicalia. Why? Its “rave reviews” are just as cliche as this matchup and the talking points leading up to it. Sure, Tropicalia is pretty good, and so is this game.

However, if I hear one more bro in a pair of Costa croakies and boat shoes tell me how great Tropicalia is, or one more media member and/or UGA homer tell me that this is UGA’s year, or (and this is the worst) have literally anyone tell me that App. State is good solely because they upset Michigan a decade ago, I’m going to throw up between whatever hedges I can find.

Ga. Southern at Auburn (-35), 7 p.m., Saturday

Auburn will look to get the Gus Bus rolling early against Ga Southern. GSU is the team that infamously ran through Bama in 2011 like “s*it through a tin horn” according to one Nick Saban.

However, don’t expect much of the same this Saturday, as Southern ranks 128th in the country in experienced returning players according to Phil Steele. Auburn’s offense should have a punishing ground game, the QB play should be much improved, and remember the name Nate Craig-Myers at WR. He could be a breakout star now that he has a QB who can get him the ball.

Score: Auburn 52, Ga. Southern 14

Booze: Hunch Punch. This is, and always has been, a staple of college parties because it’s easy to make, crazy strong, and can be shared with the masses. It’s basically Kool-Aid, which is perfect because the national media and AU fans have been drinking the Kool-Aid all offseason that Auburn is a legitimate national title contender.

So come on in and make yourself a drink. Just be sure to put it in a cup that you wrote your own name on and under no circumstances will share with anyone else. There’s already a bit too much sharing down there, if you believe some of those studies.

South Alabama at Ole Miss (-24), 7:30 p.m., Saturday

South Alabama upset Rebels rival Miss. State on the road last year in Starkville. However, this year will be a much different tune. Ole Miss has faced an offseason of hilarious scrutiny and loss their HC Hugh Freeze just months before the season. I’d have to imagine that all the Rebels want to do is get on the field to forget about all the offseason clutter and distractions. Luckily they have one of the best young QBs in the league in Shea Patterson. Ole Miss returns 4 of 5 on the O-Line, and the only new starter was a former 5-star Greg Little.

Look for Patterson to put up big numbers, and the Rebels to win big behind this new “nothing to lose” mentality going into the season.

Score: Ole Miss 45, S. Alabama 20

Booze: Communion Wine in a Diet Coke Can. I got this brilliant idea from an episode of “Always Sunny in Philadelphia” when Charlie could get away with drinking in public without anyone noticing.

It’s like a trojan horse for getting day drunk. Is it borderline sad and a sign of alcoholism? Yes. But it’s also genius, so who is judging?

Regardless, there is no better metaphor or visual for what Hugh Freeze was as a head coach while at Ole Miss than this. A facade of morality and Christianity — Freeze posted scriptures on Twitter daily and vowed of no wrongdoing in regards to his recruiting tactics while in Oxford. Then we found out that the only time that Hugh asked Jesus to take the wheel was when he didn’t want to text-and-drive to 1-900 numbers while he was on the road for recruiting visits.

Vandy (-5.5) at Middle Tenn. St., 8 p.m., Saturday

Fact: 72 percent of lines that are 5 or 5.5 are covered by the underdog. Vandy will win, but MTSU will make it close. They’ve set school records in total offense each of the past two seasons and return their starting QB Brent Stockstill.

Score: Vandy 31, MTSU 28

Booze: Six pack of Michelob Ultra. Why? Every time I see one of those commercials where Mich Ultra tries to brand itself as a beer for athletes or whatever I can’t help but laugh. Just like I laugh every time Vandy does something stupid like schedule a road game against an in-state team while trying to brand itself as a legitimate contender in the SEC East.

I’m not gonna believe Mich UItra is actually a good beer just because a bunch of cross-fit bros are holding them while they fist bump after their Saturday 5K. Just like I’m not gonna believe Vandy is a legitimate threat in their division if they’re scheduling road games in Murfreesboro against a team whose mascot is a freaking blue horse named “Lightning.”

Literally, the only thing I take less seriously than dudes drinking diet beer are magical horses with weather themes.

Alabama (-7) vs. FSU (in Atlanta), 8 p.m., Saturday

Nick Saban is 8-1 ATS (against the spread) in openers at Bama. However, he’s never faced a Top 3 team as talented as FSU. Bama fans have spent much of the offseason stressing about QB Jalen Hurts improving in the downfield passing game. And they should be worried going into the FSU game, as the Noles’ secondary boasts two potential Top 10 picks in next year’s NFL Draft in S Derwin James and CB Tarvarus McFadden.

This game will come down to who wins the trenches. Both Bama and FSU have finished 1 and 2 in the nation in sacks the past two years, and each team has several elite players on their respective D-Lines.

However, the difference in this game will be two things: Bama’s skill players, and Bama’s D-Line vs. FSU’s O-Line. Florida St might have gone to the Playoff last year if it weren’t for their terrible offensive line play. After Miami and Clemson, QB Deondre Francois looked more beaten up than my liver after senior year spring break. Bama may not cover, or pull away late. But they just have too many weapons on offense, and Saban has a very eerie confidence leading into this season. Watch out.

Score: Bama 28, FSU 23

Booze: Double shot of Don Julio 1942. And specifically served neat, with no salt or lime, and before you’ve had anything else in your stomach. What a roller coaster of emotion and decision making skills that was, huh?

Premier top shelf tequila to start your day? I mean sure you can do that. But why? Exactly. In the same way why would you start your season with a potential loss by scheduling another Blue Blood of College Football the opening weekend?

Yeah I get that it’s great for recruiting, your strength of schedule, and it puts you on the national stage. And, I know it’s obviously worked for Saban in the past. But, get out of here with your logic and reason right now! Do you have any idea the amount of stress I’ve had this week as a Bama fan?

I’ve got end of the month reports at work due the 31st, rent due the 1st, and then an ulcer-inducing matchup against a Top 3 team that returns 10 of 11 on defense the 2nd?!?!

It’s just like starting a night out with top-shelf tequila. Why didn’t we plan this out better? We couldn’t have began with a Coors Light or a directional school?!  It’s a marathon not a sprint for Saban’s sakes.

LSU (-16.5) vs. BYU (in New Orleans), 9:30 p.m., Saturday

This line jumped from 12.5 to 16.5 when it was relocated to New Orleans after Hurricane Harvey ravaged Houston. LSU only returns 11 starters, but it brings in a new OC in Matt Canada to hopefully get away from the Les Miles offensive mindset that plagued the program for years. If Canada was able to make Nathan Peterman an NFL draft pick at Pitt, then I can only wonder what he’ll do with a roster this talented.

LSU will win big, as Orgeron will want to give a glorified home crowd something to cheer about before a night of celebration and debauchery ensues on Bourbon Street.

Score: LSU 38, BYU 17

Booze: Jagermeister. It’s perfect for this non-conference culture clash matchup in Primetime. Not just because LSU fans will drink literally anything, but because it is so not for me or the faint of heart. Licorice flavored liquor? No thanks. And no offense to Mormons, but if your religion requires celibacy, a 2-year mission trip, and a uniform that requires a short-sleeve button down and a helmet — then that religion isn’t for me either. Shots of Jager scare the crap out of me. They give you a terrible hangover and taste like licorice and regret.

They’re near the top of my Power Rankings of Things That Scare Me Most along with Spiders, Carnies and dying alone. And, if I’m being honest as a Bama fan, this LSU team scares me too ….

Texas A&M at UCLA (-3.5), 7:30 p.m., Sunday

These two teams underachieved more last year than someone with a Liberal Arts degree working as a bartender and freelance sports writer. *Raises hand* Sorry, mom …

A&M was 4-8 last year against the spread, and a true road test to Pasadena will be difficult against a UCLA team that also has a coach on the hot seat. Bottom line is that the Aggies defense gave up over 440 ypg last year and 250 ypg through the air. Josh Rosen should have a big day for the Bruins.

Score: UCLA 35, Texas A&M 30

Booze: Mimosa with Vodka. Why? If you’ve ever tried to drink this or watched Texas A&M play in November then you definitely get it. What starts out as a carefree, fun time for everyone involved quickly spirals out of control into an absolute nightmare. One moment you’re feeling super confident because you caught a champagne buzz at brunch and your team is 6-0 at midseason. Next thing you know things take a dramatic turn for the worse as the vodka and SEC West schedule catch up with you and totally kick your butt.

All of the sudden you find yourself with a 2-day hangover and a coach on the hot seat because your once promising season ended with more wasted potential than one of those 16-year-old’s on MTV’s Teen Mom.

Tennessee (-3) vs. Georgia Tech (in Atlanta), 8 p.m., Monday

I don’t know of a coach who loves beating SEC teams more than Paul Johnson at Georgia Tech. However, Butch Jones knows that if he loses an opener to an ACC school with a high-school offense he will be fired faster than one of Trump’s advisors.

All offseason I wanted to pick Tech. But then they lost their best RB Dedrick Mills. I’ll take the Vols and their defense stopping the triple option mainly because they’ll dominate an offensive line made up of former high school fullbacks.

Any time your LT is 6-2, 260 pounds, that is a problem. Take the over in this one at 56.

Score: Tennessee 31, Georgia Tech 27

Booze: Sake. I know what you’re thinking. And yes, this is partially because of the large Asian presence in Tech’s student body. However, it’s a lot more to do with Tennessee and Butch Jones.

Sake is a perfect symbol for Tennessee’s football program under Butch Jones. Why? Have any of you ever had Sake? It tastes like warm Chardonnay. It couldn’t be more overrated.

People try to pretend like it’s fancy because it’s wine made from rice just like people pretend it’s fancy to shop at Target and pronounce it without the T as “Tar-jay.” Listen, let’s just be honest with ourselves: Target is just an overpriced Wal-Mart, Sake is just microwaved Kendall Jackson, and claiming to be Champions of Life is lamer than being a designated driver on your 21st birthday.

Chris Marler

Chris Marler is a writer and comedian from Atlanta, GA. He's also a lifelong Alabama fan which is just one of his many flaws.