Winning & Boozing in the SEC: Week 5 starts my road to redemption

It’s 5 o’clock on Friday, y’all, which means it’s time to punch out and then belly up for Happy Hour with yours truly. Welcome back to the Week 5 edition of Winning & Boozing in the SEC, where I break down and predict every game and tell you what booze you’ll need at each tailgate!

If you’ve been following along this season, then you have learned two things: 1) Don’t take ANY of my gambling advice because my record is sadder than Michigan’s attempt at remaining relevant this season (34-10 SU and 10-21-1 ATS), and 2) this entire article is basically just a long-form essay of sarcasm, satire and me trash-talking my way through the SEC football season.

Through 4 weeks I’ve been much better at the latter. However, I did get back on track last weekend with a 7-1 record straight up, but once again lost money with a 3-5 record against the spread.

Regardless, I feel confident about Week 5, as I have honored my commitment to hardly do any research and instead pick every game by getting buzzed and ignoring my instincts. So, leave your feelings at the door, put on your party pants, and let’s get into Week 5! Cheers!

Vandy at Florida (-9.5)

Strap in because I’m coming in hot right from the start. Last week, I compared Vandy to an ugly sibling who lost 60 pounds, got her adult braces off, and found herself some newfound confidence. Through 3 weeks Vandy was undefeated and had the best defense in the country. They were basically the shy girl with glasses that blossomed into the prom queen in every cheesy rom-com ever made. Or Oprah on a diet kick.

One reader called me “weak and pathetic” for being so crass in my Vandy comparison. However, nothing was as weak and pathetic as the performance Vandy showed this past Saturday, as they got demoralized 59-0 and outgained by nearly 600 yards of total offense.

It was even sweeter after a certain Vandy DL said Bama was “next.” You know the one I’m talking about — he was the one who looked like The Rock but sounded like Michael Jackson.

I’m not even going to discuss Florida’s game against Kentucky. They scored half of their points on plays where Kentucky literally forgot to cover a receiver. Florida has had more things undeserved gifts handed to them this season than a trust-fund baby on Christmas morning.

Score: Florida 23, Vandy 10

Booze: “Edward 40 Hands.” Two 40-oz. bottles of beer that are duct taped to your hands and aren’t untaped until you finish both bottles. This is something most bros, especially in frats, have heard about or been subjected to. The whole point isn’t about drinking. No, it’s a race against time to finish before you have to pee with no hands. That’s when the fun stops and the panic sets in. Trust me.

One of these teams is going to pee themselves at the party Saturday. My guess is Vandy.

Arkansas (-17) vs. New Mexico State

OK, I’m just gonna say it. Arkansas and Texas A&M should just play each other a minimum 3 times a year. Why not? It’s not like either team is going to miss out on competing for a championship of any sort. Plus, that was the most entertaining game we’ve seen all year. The MLB playoffs are coming up next week. We should just follow their format and do a best-of-5 series between A&M and Arkansas every year. Like a throw away series of Wild Card teams who will inevitably get crushed by the Dodgers or Alabama.

Think about it. The winning coach will be allowed to keep his job another season, the winning team will get brief optimism heading into October, and fans will actually get a competitive and exciting game to watch, which hasn’t happened much in the SEC this September.

As far as this game: My gut says take the Hogs to rebound after the heartbreaker to the Aggies last week. So that’s why I’ll do the opposite and take New Mexico State to cover.

Besides, their QB ranks No. 3 nationally in passing yards, and if Arkansas couldn’t stop a true freshman from those Aggies (A&M) how will they stop these Aggies?! Am I right?! (Probably not.)

Score: Arkansas 38, New Mexico St. 23

Booze: Long Island Ice Tea. Why? Who cares? Arkansas is 1-2. Hugh Hefner died on Wednesday. And, I just found out that the nickname for New Mexico is “The land of Enchantment.” Does anything really even matter anymore? A Long Island is literally nothing more than a bunch of liquor thrown in with sour mix and a splash of Coke. It’s not a drink; it’s a cry for help.

LSU (-21) vs. Troy

OK, maybe firing the winningest coach in program history was the right thing to do. However, maybe hiring a replacement who is the least winningest coach in modern Ole Miss history wasn’t the right thing to do.

LSU couldn’t be less impressive so far. They are like the North Korea of SEC football. They kinda worry you, but the more you see from them, the less you feel threatened by them.

I want to stick it out and assume LSU will finally turn it around by covering against a Sun Belt team. After all, the Trojans are 0-4 ATS. However, LSU’s offense has been more impotent than Hugh Hefner without a refill of those magic pills. Sorry, I had to. That was both the most unnecessary and necessary reference this whole week.

Score: LSU 37, Troy 17

Booze: Bottle of (Corked) 2011 Frog’s Leap Cabarnet. This just kind of feels appropriate. I’m a professional comedian, but it’s not always jokes, you guys! Sometimes we need to culture ourselves.

Anyways, Frog’s Leap seems like the only logical choice because if Cajuns on the Bayou will eat frog legs, they will undoubtedly drink something with the same name. It really is a great vineyard just like LSU really is a great program. However, sometimes you’re left without feeling anything but disappointment from both no matter how much anticipation and hype surrounds it. The vintage of this vinegar tasting vino should be 2011. LSU fans know why.

Kentucky (-14.5) vs. Eastern Michigan

Last week, I made the drink choice for the Florida-UK game cookies and milk, and I joked that the only thing more adorably delusional than Kentucky fans believing they could beat Florida was a child who still believed in Santa. I received a lot of angry comments from UK fans who didn’t agree with my prediction, including one fan who said that I was an idiot and that my writing was “slightly above a high school newspaper.”

Let’s just be gentleman, and say we were both right?

As for this game … I’m watching for one reason: Brogan Roback. And yes, that is the real name of a real person. Brogan Roback seems like the legal name of an American Gladiator. And in case you are wondering, he looks exactly like how you’d think he would look.

He has an arm like a rocket, hair like a young Guy Fieri, and a jawline that’s stronger than the grip on one of those blood pressure monitoring things at Walgreen’s.

The picture above doesn’t do him justice, so here’s a link. You’re welcome. I don’t care what happens in this game, all I want is for Brogan Roback and Matt Elam to finally stop toying with our emotions and to take the world by storm by becoming a tag team wrestling duo like the good Lord intended and America so deeply needs right now.

Score: Kentucky 31, Mighty Bro Young 13

Booze: Fireball. I was really hoping to save this for something later in the season. However, the time is now. Fireball isn’t the booze Lexington deserves, but it’s the booze it needs right now. Or, whatever that line from “Batman” is. Fireball is the only choice for this game. This whiskey might not seem tough since it is Cinnamon flavored. However, it’s still 80 Proof and will make drinking to forget absolutely delicious.

It’s also a go-to choice for bros everywhere. And that Ivan Drago clone at QB for EMU is the bro-est of bros, a’ight?

South Carolina at Texas A&M (-8.5)

Both teams, and their fanbases, are probably still catching their breath after the last minute endings last week. A&M won an overtime thriller against Arkansas to keep hope alive and Kevin Sumlin out of the unemployment line. South Carolina’s victory was a lot less impressive. The Gamecocks scored all 17 of its points in the fourth quarter, including a FG as time expired to beat Louisiana Tech 17-16. Neither team should be super confident because both are more flawed a budget-plan from Bernie Sanders.

However, between the two, I like how Texas A&M is trending by a landslide. They give up a lot of points, and they do have a true freshman at QB. But they still have Christian Kirk, and Carolina has … I don’t know. You tell me. It’s not much whatever it is. Especially on offense.

Score: Texas A&M  34, S. Carolina 20

Booze: Vegas Bombs. In keeping with the “bro” theme we discussed in the UK-EMU game, we’ll ride the wave of BRO-mentum in College Station this week. Instructions for ordering this drink are as follows: Walk up to the bar in a tank top, wave your credit card as obnoxiously as possible at the bartender, order a round of these crown, peach, and red bull shooters, leave your number on the receipt, make sure enough people are watching to admire your coolness, drink shot, fist bump or forearm bash closest bro, and then go play “Wagon Wheel” on the jukebox for the fourth time that night.

Vegas Bombs are about as bro as it gets, and so is a home game at Texas A&M. I know a lot of you are going to get upset or offended by me making fun of such a longstanding college football tradition as the 12th man in Aggie-land. However, am I the only one who thinks it’s a little weird to see that many dudes arm and arm and swaying back and forth while dressed up as Army men? Flame away, readers.

I’m just saying if it’s the fourth quarter and my team is in a nail-biter, the last thing I want to do is join in on a synchronized dance with someone from ROTC. Get out of my personal space and focus on the game.

Ole Miss at Bama (-28)

For the past 3 years this has been one of the best games of the year. I don’t expect that to be the case Saturday. The Tide looked focused last week, and shouldn’t have much of a letdown or hangover considering it was only Vandy. Regardless, Ole Miss should still put up some points and yardage with the SEC’s leading passer in Shea Patterson and one of the best WR corps in the conference.

This game should be closer than expected early on because of the Rebels offense and the fact that they’ve had an extra week to prepare. However, they’re too one-dimensional and have given up at least 23 points per game against below average teams like Cal, UT-Martin and South Alabama.

Score: Bama 44, Ole Miss 23

Booze: Keg of Budweiser. Specifically a brand new one that was just tapped. Why? Like I said last week, Budweiser is the king of beers and Bama is still the king of the SEC.

Bama might have started the year flat. But we’ve seen that before, too. Last year, Bama started flat against Ole Miss. But all of those fears were ended when they stormed back with a 48-43 victory. The party wasn’t over. It was just time to change the keg (and maybe a few assistant coaches). Now there’s a fresh start, the bitter after taste is gone, and all seems right with the world again.

Mississippi State at Auburn (-9)

Every week there has been a game that has confused me more than: women, math with letters in it, and any ending ever in a damn M. Night Shyamalan movie. A week ago Miss. State was a world beater and Auburn was reeling. People were talking about Dan Mullen being the next big national head coaching candidate while wondering if Gus Malzahn would even make it to the end of the season at Auburn.

Fast forward a week later, where things have changed faster and more confusingly than Benjamin Button during puberty. Now, Auburn is almost a double digit favorite at home against Mississippi State.

I don’t know how good either team is. What I do know is that Auburn’s defense isn’t going to be fazed by seeing this type of offense since they see it every day in practice. I also know that the Tigers’ defense is better than Georgia’s, and you saw what the Dawgs did to Nick Fitzgerald and company. My gut says Take Mississippi State because 9 points is a whole lot, so …

Score: Auburn 27, Miss. State 17

Booze: Busch Light on Draft. I used to work at a bar in 2013 here in Atlanta that served Busch Light on tap, but listed it as Bud Light. The two taste almost the same, and a keg of Busch Light was half the price of a keg of Bud Light.

Why does any of this matter? Even though the two were similar, there was always something a little off once I found out about the throne of lies my bar was sitting on. I could taste the cheap imitation once I knew the secret. Admittedly, I still don’t know the true identity of either team, but neither seems like the legitimate brand name I assumed it was so far this season.

UGA (-7.5) at Tennessee

The game of the week features a fierce rivalry between two of the biggest surprises in the SEC Least, I mean SEC East. However, the nature of each surprise is as different as the color on each helmet and the trajectory of each program.

Georgia is a pleasant surprise. Like finding a penny heads up, getting a car on your 16th birthday, or getting more money back in your tax refund.

Tennessee is a surprise you don’t want. They’re surprise is more along the lines of getting a flat tire, finding a clown in the sewer like that movie “It,” or finding out you are the father on an episode of Maury.

I have been very cautiously optimistic for Tennessee and cautiously pessimistic about UGA because I’ve watched both disappoint their fans worse than a husband who forgot his anniversary. And in turn I’ve seen each fanbase be as angry and irate as a housewife who expected a tennis bracelet but got a 2 for $20 meal at Applebee’s instead.

I’ve done my best to ignore my instincts, but this game just seems like common sense.

Tennessee barely beat a UMass team last week that entered 0-4 overall and against the spread. And honestly, that game is the tip of the iceberg as far as their problems are concerned. Luckily, they have Butch Jones captaining the Titanic, so he will find a way to put a positive spin on this sinking ship, and pray to God that the fans and administration don’t let go as fast as Rose did.

Score: UGA 24, Tennessee 13

Booze: Vodka and (Baking) Soda. Why? Baking soda has a lot of positives. Like, it can help cure acid reflux for when Tennessee’s play-calling gives you heartburn. And it can even put out a grease fire in your kitchen.

However, it’s not strong enough to put out the inferno that is building under Jones’ seat as a head coach. Also, ingesting too much baking soda can result in miserable side effects. Which honestly I feel like may be more tolerable than watching UT football. At least something would be explosive because it sure isn’t that offense.

Chris Marler

Chris Marler is a writer and comedian from Atlanta, GA. He's also a lifelong Alabama fan which is just one of his many flaws.