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I don’t care who you are. Everyone needs something this time of year.
Maybe you need a little love from the selection committee. Perhaps you need a blank check for your NIL collective. Shoot, it’s possible that the thing you covet most is just a new year.
No matter who you are, even in the SEC, you could use a Christmas gift from Santa. Today, I’ll be playing the role of Santa for each SEC program.
Here are gifts for each team:
Alabama — ‘Twisters’ on BlueRay
It might be fun for Alabama to envision something that could’ve canceled that game in Oklahoma instead of what actually played out. The Tide can fantasize about what it would’ve been like to not have that 24-3 loss on the résumé, which is essentially what the “Alabama should be in the Playoff” crowd tried to do anyway. Also, spending 2 hours watching “Twisters” instead of the Playoff would be healthier than arguing about hypothetical matchups on Twitter.
Arkansas — Unlimited Oscar Mayer Thick Cut Bacon
Walmart will hook up the best way for Arkansas to embrace the hog. That is, consuming as much hog as possible. Plus, bacon just makes everything better, especially the Oscar Mayer Thick Cut variety. After that up-and-down season, feasting on bacon would put everyone in a better mood.
Auburn — 88,043 of those Cam Newton hats
Why that number, you ask? That’s the capacity at Jordan-Hare Stadium. Don’t get it twisted. This has nothing to do with team pride/honoring the former Heisman Trophy winner and everything to do with obstructing the view of Auburn fans in a capacity crowd so that they don’t see what’s actually taking place on the field.
Florida — New subscriptions for every college football publication
You know, not that I’d advocate that paying sites are better than free ones. But I’m gonna assume that last year, Florida got rid of every subscription to ESPN+, The Athletic, PFF, etc. because it got so sick of hearing about Billy Napier on the hot seat and how he was facing the toughest schedule in college football history. Well, after winning 4 in a row to end the season with DJ Lagway as the starter, I bet Florida will want to fire up the press clippings to read about its offseason of good vibes.
Georgia — Uber Black
I don’t need to explain this one. Let’s keep it moving at an appropriate, law-abiding speed.
Kentucky — A championship-style DVD from the day in Oxford
Who could forget it? Who would ever want to forget what Kentucky did to Ole Miss to ultimately prevent it from earning a Playoff berth? A championship-style DVD would commemorate that day and make everyone forget that UK just had its worst season since Year 1 of the Mark Stoops era.
LSU — A punching bag
We know that Brian Kelly likes punching things, specifically tables after embarrassing season-opening collapses. We also know that LSU spent November being a national punching bag for self-combusting in SEC play, as well as losing Bryce Underwood to Michigan. It might feel good for LSU to take its frustration out in a more productive way than rolling out a fake Mike the Tiger and hoping that playing “Neck” will take care of its problems.
Mississippi State — The remote from the movie ‘Click'”‘
I know the whole point of that incredibly sad Adam Sandler movie is that we need to appreciate the mundane aspects of life or whatever, but Mississippi State needs the ability to fast forward to the good parts of this rebuild. Jeff Lebby completed a Year 0 that consisted of just as many SEC wins as you and I had. Alternatively, they can rewind to those moments in which they competed against Playoff quarterfinal participants like Arizona State, Texas and Georgia.
Mizzou — The complete Harry Potter DVD collection
Clearly, Eli Drinkwitz is a fan of fantasy because he wasn’t living in reality when he said after the Oklahoma win that Mizzou still had a shot to make the Playoff. There’s not a better fantasy world than Harry Potter. Which house would Drinkwitz be in? He gives off massive Hufflepuff vibes. Or rather, he’s a Hufflepuff who thinks he’s a Gryffindor. Again, a little self-awareness would go a long way. Spending 20 hours watching those movies instead of the Playoff might be a bit more comforting after Mizzou failed to capitalize on the expanded field after its best preseason ranking since the Chase Daniel era.
Oklahoma — Tickets to a Korn concert
Look. OU had to watch a historically dreadful offense that suffered a slew of injuries, and it was overwhelmed by a gauntlet schedule in its first season in the SEC. Texas, meanwhile, got the most favorable SEC regular-season draw and it got the most favorable Playoff draw. Oklahoma needs to go somewhere that it can feel free to scream while actually being entertained. I’m not saying that Oklahoma needs to go full Korn “Woodstock ’99 edition,” but maybe it would feel good to yell at the top of its lungs while thinking of better times 25 years ago.
Ole Miss — A rotary phone
No, Kirby Smart. A flip phone might get Lane Kiffin off Twitter, but it still isn’t an appropriate gift. Let’s not forget that you could still text on flip phones. Kiffin could get his message out there. He shouldn’t even have access to texting while watching Playoff games and pretending that Ole Miss didn’t lose 3 games to teams that aren’t in the current CFP Top 25, most notably 4-8 Kentucky. It’s one thing if he wants to call up a radio show or go on Finebaum to deliver his message, but he shouldn’t have such a free platform to put his delusional, biased Playoff thoughts into the universe while games are happening.
South Carolina — 30 minutes at the best Escape room in Columbia
SEC defenses couldn’t contain him. Clemson couldn’t either. I just want to see if LaNorris Sellers can truly escape anything because he did that for the entire second half of 2024. This is strictly for entertainment purposes. This could be live-streamed with all proceeds going to South Carolina’s NIL efforts. Think of it like Chad Ochocinco racing a horse.
Tennessee — A team vacation to Cabo
The Vols looked cold in Columbus. A little warm weather on a beach would be ideal, as would escaping to a foreign land where talk of the Playoff beatdown they suffered wouldn’t follow them.
Texas — An alarm clock
Two reasons. One is that Texas has the early Playoff game on New Year’s Day against Arizona State. There’ll be no sleeping in for the Longhorns ahead of their Playoff quarterfinal matchup against Cam Skattebo and Arizona State. And after 14 games wherein Georgia was the only real contender that Texas faced, let’s just say Texas can’t sleepwalk through the rest of this Playoff field.
Texas A&M — Advil
Not only do the Aggies probably need Advil after running into the wall that was the Texas defense, but they probably also need it to deal with the trolling from Texas fans that’ll persist after the Longhorns reached the SEC Championship and the Playoff in Year 1 in the SEC. As Angela says in “The Office” when she’s about to get a customer service tutorial from Kelly, “I don’t have a headache … I’m just preparing.”
Vanderbilt — A Diego Pavia statue outside the renovated stadium
What do you get to the team that has it all? Art. As in, art that they’ll actually want to show off with pride. Even if Pavia doesn’t win another game next season in his return to Nashville, we’ll always have the day in which he beat Bama and made Vandy the most turnt it’s ever been.
Connor O'Gara is the senior national columnist for Saturday Down South. He's a member of the Football Writers Association of America. After spending his entire life living in B1G country, he moved to the South in 2015.
